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☆ The Office Ties That Bind
▼ + stars: | 2024-08-04 | by ( Anna Holmes | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +2 min

Send questions about the office, money, careers and work-life balance to workfriend@nytimes.com. A Question of LoyaltyI work for a smallish company (fewer than 100 corporate employees with and 1,500 field workers). I enjoy my job, the challenge, my co-workers and the good work-life balance. — AlbertMy first question for you: How much do you want a new job versus thinking you should want a new job? It sure sounds that you’re in an enviable, if not ideal, position: You enjoy your job, your colleagues, and the work-life balance that your job affords.

Persons: I’ve, I’m, — Albert

☆ Thanks, but No Thanks
▼ + stars: | 2024-07-21 | by ( Anna Holmes | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +3 min

I found our first lunch to be very uncomfortable and began to dread the next one. After a lot of back-and-forth, he finally agreed, but during the meeting told me how important it was to him to take his employees out to lunch. If he asks you why, simply tell him you want to keep things strictly professional and avoid more casual interactions. And ask him to give you professional feedback in writing, at which point you can suggest a one-on-one meeting. I’m resentful that it’s an issue yet again and don’t particularly want to have another conversation.

Persons: You’re, Don’t, don’t

☆ Dropping in Just to Say ‘Hi!’
▼ + stars: | 2024-07-07 | by ( Anna Holmes | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +3 min

When this colleague reaches out to team members via the Slack platform, he will frequently just say “Hi <Name>” with no follow-up. Or are we all just obstinate and are not being understanding of a different communication style? For one thing: Is he saying “Hi <Name>” as a way to start a conversation about work with the colleague to whom his “hi” is directed? Delivering feedback about a person’s personal — or, in this case, professional — communication style requires a light touch. Send the guy a direct message and say, “Hey [insert co-worker’s name], when you write ‘hi’ without any follow-up, it freaks me out!” and append the message with an “lol” or a laughing emoji.

Persons: Slack, It’s, I’m, can’t

☆ How to Alienate a Colleague, One Coffee at a Time
▼ + stars: | 2024-06-22 | by ( Anna Holmes | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +1 min

I hope that I’m able to honor and expand upon the insights she provided over the years. A little bit about me: I’m a writer and an editor and sometimes both at the same time. I’ve been managed by bosses as well as managed employees myself. I understand the challenges and rewards of workplace collaboration and camaraderie and enjoy the solo nature of just sitting in a chair and writing and writing. Right now, in addition to this new gig, I’m working on a book for Crown Publishers about women, power and communication.

Persons: Anna, Roxane Gay, Roxane, I’ve Organizations: New York Times, Crown Publishers

☆ Don’t Blame the Office Dog for the Human Problem
▼ + stars: | 2024-05-25 | by ( Roxane Gay | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +4 min

Make the Dog Days OverI share my office with another co-worker and her large, stinky dog. I’m 99 percent sure my co-worker is aware I hate her dog, as I don’t pet it or interact with it. It is a verbal tic, very distracting albeit harmless. To protect his anonymity, let’s say it’s “quite frankly.” Now imagine watching someone give a 30-minute presentation in which he says “quite frankly” dozens of times, including in incongruous ways like: “Quite frankly, the next steps in the study are to document our findings in a final report.” No one has ever brought it to his attention. That said, it’s also relatively harmless, and for some people a verbal tic may be a symptom of a medical condition.

Persons: Mutty, let’s, “, I’ve, It’s, it’s

☆ The Annoying, Go-Getting Colleague: Beat Her or Emulate Her?
▼ + stars: | 2024-05-11 | by ( Roxane Gay | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +3 min

Manager 1 and I frequently host trainings, too, but we never thought to brand them and tell the entire organization. Though I am angry she is playing the game better than I am, I don’t want my job to be a game! I prefer to come in and do a good job at my actual job description! But, with all the visibility she earns, I am beginning to feel like the work of my actual job isn’t what matters. There are ways of “playing the game” that don’t feel like you’re playing the game.

Persons: ”, You’re, —

☆ This Ship Is Sinking. Can I Jump to a Client’s?
▼ + stars: | 2024-04-28 | by ( Roxane Gay | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +3 min

I’m looking for a new job, and I’ve seen some very appealing openings with current clients. I’d be a great candidate, because I know many of the players, and they know and like my work. We don’t have a noncompete, but I am worried I would further harm my employer if I applied for a job with its clients. Will I accelerate the demise of my current company if I jump ship to a client? — AnonymousYou will not harm your employer by taking a new job with one of its clients.

Persons: I’ve, I’d, noncompetes, I’m Organizations: Self, Federal Trade Commission

☆ But I’m All Grown Up With a Job of My Own
▼ + stars: | 2024-04-13 | by ( Roxane Gay | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +3 min

You ProblemsI work in a wonderful environment where everyone cares about everyone … a little too much. Most colleagues are worried I’m going to burn out, which is fair, but I have the energy and capacity they don’t have anymore. You’re simply interested in developing a more robust skill set. This man is no longer your co-worker, so there is little downside to politely telling him you simply don’t have time to socialize when he comes in. Tell him you hope he is enjoying his retirement and wish him the very best in this new chapter of his life.

Persons: …, You’re, it’s, — Locations: eggshells

☆ Work Is (Mostly) Work, Not Your Soapbox
▼ + stars: | 2024-03-30 | by ( Roxane Gay | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +4 min

Generation ZealI work for a health care nonprofit, and there have been some clashes among the five generations in our work force. I had been working in a new role for about six months when my brother was diagnosed, but my company offered to let me work remotely. I return to California for work about four or five times a year. They are paying for your flight because you are going there for work. You certainly could be honest and say you don’t want to hang out, but that might create unnecessary tension.

Persons: you’ve, I’m, Tell Locations: California, Arizona

☆ A Friendly Reminder: A.I. Work Isn’t Yours
▼ + stars: | 2024-03-16 | by ( Roxane Gay | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +4 min

After seeing a recent review with a suspected A.I.-generated set of bullet points, a team member was able to verify that the response had been generated by A.I. The next time someone turns in work generated by A.I. without an appropriate acknowledgment, simply tell them that moving forward, they need to identify all A.I.-generated work. How should they acknowledge and cite A.I.-generated work? How are you going to train managers to identify work that is generated by it?

Persons: it’s, I’m, isn’t, haven’t, Cathy Moore’s, I’d, Julie Dirksen

☆ Feeling Trapped, Swimming in Circles?
▼ + stars: | 2024-03-02 | by ( Roxane Gay | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +3 min

I am repeatedly told “you’re essential” and “this place would fall apart without you.” But I also know two people used to do my job. — AnonymousYou’re in a frustrating professional situation where you’re told you are valuable, but you aren’t treated as such. Reach out to your personal and professional networks, as you can, and let them know you’re looking for new employment opportunities. Be specific about what you’re looking for. I don’t know that anyone ever feels empowered to quit, because doing so is precarious.

Persons: “, I’m, you’re, you’ve, can’t, ”

☆ It’s Lonely at the Top
▼ + stars: | 2024-02-17 | by ( Roxane Gay | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +3 min

In my time here, I have had to let two staff members go for behavior issues that were well documented. However, last week I had to lay off one of our full-time managers because of some unexpected shortfalls in revenue. I listened and acknowledged their feelings but was also surprised they didn’t understand that we had to preserve resources for everyone’s benefit. What can I do or not do to help build back trust in our team? — AnonymousYou are running an organization that is, mostly, doing well, but now you’re dealing with one of the many challenges of leadership.

Organizations: Staff

☆ What’s My D.E.I. Training?My Own Life.
▼ + stars: | 2024-02-04 | by ( Roxane Gay | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +5 min

Would you tell us how you are prepared to work effectively with colleagues and external stakeholders from backgrounds that are different from your own, and to contribute to our commitment to D.E.I.? I am not comfortable disclosing personal information (such as a non-visible disability, background as an immigrant, queer identity, etc.). I commended their commitment to D.E.I., not least because of the range of expertise and complementary skills it brings together. Do some research about different ways to answer this question, and think through how you can answer them using your own voice and perspective. But if there is something worth preserving in this relationship, tell your friend how her comments make you feel.

Persons: ”, “, you’re, she’s, you’ll

☆ Crying at Work and Other Experiments in Emotion
▼ + stars: | 2024-01-20 | by ( Roxane Gay | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +3 min

Recently, one of my younger lab members confronted me about how she feels she can’t be her full self at work, in part because she doesn’t feel comfortable crying publicly in our lab space. She also said she thinks we should talk about our feelings and share more about our personal lives. You can foster an emotionally open environment while making it clear that your lab is a professional workplace. Work has to get done and, ideally, that work should be done in a space where people feel safe, seen and respected, while also being held to a standard of excellence. Ask her why she thinks you should talk about your feelings and share more.

Persons: I’m

☆ Surviving the Holidays at Work When You Dread the Season
▼ + stars: | 2023-11-10 | by ( Roxane Gay | More About Roxane Gay | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +7 min

My boss simply never, ever, ever gives positive feedback. This seems to be fine for most of my colleagues, but I really thrive on positive feedback and always have. Most people benefit from positive feedback and other forms of affirmation, so you aren’t a drip for seeking that. If you need to frame it as positive feedback, you can certainly do so, but there’s no reason you cannot ask your boss for positive feedback in addition to the constructive feedback she provides. The reality is that you do not owe your employer anything but doing good work in exchange for fair compensation.

Persons: I’ve, I’d, don’t, acquit, Roxane Gay Organizations: NASA Locations: New York, workfriend@nytimes.com

☆ Should I Worry About My Co-Workers Smoking Weed on Break?
▼ + stars: | 2023-09-16 | by ( Roxane Gay | More About Roxane Gay | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +5 min

The point of work leave is to leave. A Distinct AromaI recently smelled pot smoke on an associate coming back after a break. I do not smoke weed and never have, so I am not very familiar with the new techniques and forms for smoking it and what it may or may not smell like. I foolishly asked a fellow employee (we have fewer than 10) if he thought the guy smelled like pot smoke. Am I naïve, and uncool in thinking it’s unacceptable to smoke weed during coffee breaks at work?

Persons: don’t, — Locations: imploding, Florida

☆ If You Don’t Have Anything Nice to Say, Don’t Be a Reference
▼ + stars: | 2023-07-02 | by ( Roxane Gay | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +4 min

I’m beginning to feel pretty isolated in a workplace I used to feel was quite congenial. Salaries aren’t high, but we get a 2-to-1 match on our retirement plan contributions, which is significant. HR blames the company that administers our retirement plan and says it is working on a fix. Unless they chase that payment, your former colleagues will never see that money, which I’m sure the organization knows. You have to calibrate how upset you get about this and how much you escalate the issue, with how much you care.

Persons: I’m, we’d, It’s, they’ll, Roxane Gay

☆ Pride at Work Is Priceless, but It’s Nice to Be Paid
▼ + stars: | 2023-06-18 | by ( Roxane Gay | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +3 min

Pronoun EtiquetteIs it OK when first talking alone with a new colleague to ask pronouns to ensure you are referring to them correctly, if it hasn’t already been broached? Asking about pronouns simply removes any ambiguity and ensures that you’re always referring to your colleagues in the manner they prefer. They should value your safety and ensure that you work in an environment that doesn’t tolerate discrimination of any kind. I wish at least some of the time they would affirm my they/them pronouns, which help me feel seen and known. Am I making this too hard for my colleagues by not making a firm request to always use they/them?

Persons: I’m, I’ve, “, ”, Roxane Gay

☆ Smile! We’ll Remember This Forced Fun Forever
▼ + stars: | 2023-05-30 | by ( Roxane Gay | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +4 min

They are buying everyone matching company T-shirt and taking various group photos to use on social media. I am a very private person and don’t use social media, but many friends, colleagues and clients do. Group photos in matching T-shirts feels silly and unprofessional (and frankly, embarrassing). Now, I hate having my picture taken, and I’m not a fan of mandatory fun, so I don’t judge your distaste for a group picture. If you don’t want to take the group picture, don’t.

☆ You Can Ignore the Bridezilla in the Breakroom
▼ + stars: | 2023-05-14 | by ( Roxane Gay | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +4 min

My colleagues plan to host a lunch and purchase a wedding gift for her. My budget is extremely tight and I bring my lunch to work every day because I don’t have any extra money. I’ve decided to ignore the email and avoid work that day. You clearly don’t like this person, so don’t contribute to her wedding gift or lunch and don’t give that choice a second thought. It’s easy to buy into the idea that if you’re human, if you can’t work yourself into the ground without consequence, you are failing.

☆ Must Love Dogs Was Not in the Job Description
▼ + stars: | 2023-04-30 | by ( Roxane Gay | ) www.nytimes.com time to read: +2 min

I love dogs. Bringing dogs into the workplace only works if the dogs are well behaved and well managed by their humans. One or two or more people bringing their dogs to work shouldn’t mean they become everyone’s problem, because not everyone loves dogs! And even if you do love dogs, you don’t necessarily love having your workday interrupted by baby-talking humans or a dog (obviously a good boy) that barks too much and roams the office to share its vocal enthusiasm. I’m afraid the baby talking is an incurable condition, but can you speak with your colleagues about managing their dogs’ barking?

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